Hey, there have been times i got confused. I don’t really remember anymore how you look like. Or how you used to say things to make me believe you, because you know that I dont want to ever let my guards down. You knew exactly what I wanted and you behaved accordingly. I thought you were honest, only to know you pretended in the end. And that was scary because someone can act so perfectly, though. I used to tell people that whenever you come close to me, i will stop breathing and my body tightens up. I thought it was because it was something beautiful. But overtime, I realised I was scaring my soul all the time with you. Now, I don’t remember how you look like or how you make me feel anymore. Yes, I have your photos with me, but somehow my memories cannot match with the photos I see. And baby, I think that is the better thing.
And you, you came right after this fellow over here. Used the same techniques. Of course I did not believe you. Matter fact I did not love you. All you wanted to do was to play me, and I know that very well. We may have done so many ridiculous things together in the name of “couple in relationship”, but what is the point if it is not true. You spoiled the whole excitement about the first kiss or anything else that follows for that matter. Am I to be blamed for allowing that? Maybe not blamed.. because I gave you the benefit of doubt and you ruined it. Thank god I never see you again, and whenever I hear about you from other people around me. You are just a weird fellow. What goes around comes around, so I hope to fear for that for at least once in your life. And for someone who suspected me in every way, while you go and do the exact same thing behind my back while I remain loyal for the sake of “relationship” – man, I must have put my soul on fire then. But thank god I forgot how my first kiss felt like, it never felt like one in the first place anyway.
And you, haha. You had a way honey. For someone with anxiety, you are all that person needs. Maybe thats why I was emotionally attached to you. I think it is best to leave it at there, because me being emotionally attached to you does not equate with you teaching me how to feel something. I realised that I have been having everything all in me all the while. I guess I don’t know my own worth then. So, I listened to every “encouraging and supportive” things you say to make me feel better about myself. And in the end, you would say that no matter how hard you try, I wont be happy. Now I know why, because you did’nt believe in me in being able to achieve what you said with your words. Your words and your actions, they are two different worlds apart. And when you nicely put me down, I felt so lowly of myself. I dont deserve that, for wanting to be a better person (for you implicitly). Your dedication to other girls, it makes me feel weird. Because you can do the same thing to everyone who come along in your life, so what is so special left for the special someone. I know what will that be – an abusive relationship. It makes me sad, that you are so empty and disappointed. But then there are something you have to learn by yourself. And I have other better thins to do. I just feel that, by thinking that I am rooting for you, maybe I am rooting for someone else who is worth everything I am going through. So if that is what I believe, then the best decision is to seriously forgot who you look like. Somehow when writing this, i imagine a blurred face. Like a chameleon. You were never anything from the heart. I dont deserve that. I gave my 100%, like you were a special someone.
I forgot how your lips taste like. When my lios touch yours, I only remember how my lips felt like on yours. I forgot how your lips taste like…
My soul was on fire. I burnt it so many times. But I saved it myself. Not for once it had blamed me for pushing it into the furnance. Maybe because it trusted that we will make it through. But for the sake of this trust at least, I have to stop burning my soul. My soul loves me more than anything else in the world.