A challenge to pride. 

Hopelessness. 

Me: Okay! I want to do this. I want to learn about this thing. I think i enjoy doing it so I want to see how for I can go. I want to try something new. I want to improve on myself. 

Them: why? If the other person is a Mids Universe means, you have to become one is it? If the other person goes to the gym, do you really have to? Oh you must? But what can you do with that? 

Them: Stop wearing like this. Who are you attracting? Why do you have to go? Who do you have to go? Must you go? There is alot of stuff to do at home. You are very childish. 

Them: Behave like an educated girl. You don’t take care of yourself. You cant even take care of your face. You are becomin like a man. When you go dance, you befriend all the wrong people. You want to be like them. You are spoiling your life. 

Them: You cannot be successful. You cannot even behave like a girl and be at home. You have an terrible attitude. I think you are lying. 

Them: You have to change. You have to do what is needed. Stop dreaming and do what is necessary for a good life. You dont have to go for classes to work on yourself. You are wasting your time. 

Me: What are your diet plans? How are you working? 

Them: (Shhhh dont tell her, she will get jealous of you) 

Them: Erm, I dont know. I Dont remember anything. I cant tell you because I forgot. Find your own way. Sorry, I cant help. 

Me: I can do this myself. I can handle it myself. I dont owe anyone anything. 

Them: No, what can you do by yourself? You are too young. You dont even have wings. Oh you think you can do everything by yourself? Go ahead! Lets see what you achieve. You didnt achieve anything? HAHA You are a loser. Worthless. You are so playful and never serious about anything. You are such a deviant, argumentative and a rebel. 

Them: No, its alright darling. You are the best! Keep on striving! We love you for who you are! Dont change yourself

Me: Really? Are you proud of me? Can you see me working hard? Can you appreciate me? Do you respect my efforts? 

Them: Oh. I dont think so. You are not my cup of tea. I think you are not enough. I love you. But you embarress me. You are not able to settle. You cannot be with me. Be successful! You are good. But you are not enough for me. I cant be with someone like you. 

Me: who am I? 

If God transcends all understanding. Then I pray that I dedicate all of my efforts in whatever I do to him, only for one thing in return. To get someone who trusts me against them. When even the own blood fails, let someone else be the saviour. If this hope has power against hopelessness, then let there be a chance where I can emerge from the people who look down on me. I have tried so hard to prove to people that I am worth recognised. But it all hurts. 

It all hurts because here I am, sitting down at East Coast Park all alone. Amongs groups of people spending all the time here enjoying themselves, swimming, singing songs. It used to be the place with the best memories and the worst ones too. Where truth emerged and cleared me from the cluttuer. It used to be the place with best memories with two best companions in my life. They used to wait for me, and here I am all alone waiting for my own self to stabilise with something else in my heart. They are gone. And I still stay.  

And here I am, all alone. I am afraid this “alone” will become an ultimate comfort zone, and that I will never be able to open up again. Because when I am alone, I am myself. Because when I am alone, I can fight my way through against them. And I am afraid someone else will come along and let me down again, and look down on me again. 

I dont ever want to depend on anyone. If I can do it myself, I will do it myself. 

“Casting Crowns – Here’s my Heart. Refocus.

There is always a time in our lives, that what we feel that will last, will never last in the end. Like what they used to say: Learn to walk alone, who started with you will not be there to end with you. However, that does not mean that there is nothing permant in this world. 

It is sad you know, when people at a young age get affected in various ways. Then, they are not able to accept a truth, the reality. And then, they may just be stuck in the phase and not be able to move on. Then, in every other ways, they are not able to achieve something positive because they are not healed yet. Imagination and fantasy is all good. But to treat such an escapism as reality, then there is indeed something that is not cured within them. 

Why am I rambling about this? Because yesterday, I had a mini conversation with my friend. She told me that there was one song that was moving here in this period of time – “Casting Crowns – Here’s my Heart”. Initially, I was a little skeptical about it (mainly because I thought I will not appreciate the song – we have different music taste). But, in the first few minutes of the song, I found myself experiencing a sense of assurance about alot of things. 

I asked my friend. Why if God sees everyone so special in his eyes, then why do people hurt each other, knowing that it will hurt someone else? To that, she replied that because people don’t surrender to God. So I asked: Why don’t people be like that, because they behave as though they won’t hurt someone else and such, but they are the ones who are really terrible to people. Sadly, they themselves know they are like that, but they don’t care. To that, my friend replied: Because people follow the world. God actually wants Man to be like Him, not like the world. 

Then this hit me in a very deep level, I may not be able to express them in words properly. I am not preaching anyone to be religious, but I am just questioning or wondering about some things. 

The people I have met in my life – Those who claim to pray alot, they may merely celebrate. Maybe prayer is a desperste measure in desparate situations. Some people (like my mother for instance) she does not go to the temple much, but her prayers are constant. And she prays to all kinds of Gods, and she prayes deeply then goes on with life. And there are people like my grandmother, who prays all the time. But when i learn to pray as deeply as her, she chides me. But then she lets me follow my faith my own way. She is restrictive (ideologically). But she knows when I am serious. 

When different people approach prayers differently, then the question comes to purpose and genuinity. This makes me wonder how hard is it for Man to move towards “like God”, when he is very much obessed with the “world”. If that is really why Man suffers so much, then the definition of happiness that people had impossed on me, or mentioned to me… I don’t think I want to accept that anymore. Because it is these people who lie to me, without knowing that they have been lying to themselves. They have been seeking a buffer in their lives, withouy realising that that buffer is destroying themselves. And luckily  this buffer can be treated the right positive way (not in the “positive” way they have been claiming). But sadly, it is only in their own sense and decision they can do that, another person cannot make that decision for themselves. 

Then this made me wonder much about values and upbringing. I should not be even going that far, I suppose. But it was scaring me: what if my children become like that, unhealed and very hurt? And then they go and destroy other people? What if they dont really know how to work hard and accept failures as they come along, through payers sincere to their hearts? 

It was just scary. 

Maybe I can only teach them the right way to do things.. for that, i need to learn the way to be healed. And I am blessed to have soughy Jesus for that. It is not that I dont believe in my own faith. I am very well aware of how God has been protecting me, diverting me from the bad and compelling me to refocus on the good. It must have been a hard work. I just though that that I should not be troubling God like this, if it is in my responsibility to do something about healing myself first. 

Feeling love from the wrong kind of people. Feeling love from the right people but they express them in a hurtful way. Feeling love without knowing what love is. Loving people who dont know what love is in the first place. All this have to go completely. 

And to Jesus, i feel awkward. I feel I am not sincere enough. Like there is so many things I am thinking about I do not even know where to start from. But to receive the right kind of love, where I see it in words through the Bible – Maybe that is just what I need right now. 

I dont really know how this is going to change me, but I know I did try at least. Want to let go of all the dumb things that anger and frustration brought me into.. and focus on all the right this, to what I decide is the best for me and my family. 

Refocused. 

“Are you a runner?”: A Reminder sent from God

It was just the day before that I was on the phone with my mother, just convincing her how I am settling my finance, about my internship and my life after that. I was telling her how everything is under control and how it is awesome that I have a long term sight ahead of me – so she does not have to worry much. 

My mother was silent. She ended the conversation with a “Mmm” – which I think was more of a agreement and to signal to me to let life flow. I hate that. Everytime I let life flow, I get affected in the end.  So, I was adamant about having everything according to what I decided. I was in a drive. 

The next morning, I went to the track for a legit sprint workout. Everything was going well and good. It was time to leave the stadium when someone called me from behind and asked me: Are you a runner? 

Shocked.. because my standards dropped for my workout. I was a little disappointed. Yet, even then someone can tell that I was a background. HAHA Okayyy. So what does this guy want? 

I replied: Yes, Uncle. But it was a long time ago. 

Him: You represent Singapore? 

Me: (Wow) Erm no uncle. I was from AJC. Was supposed to go for nationals. But i did not because I went for SYF. 

And from there.. everything else began. 

We talked in length about 

  • whether the internship I was going to do was worth my time
  • I should be doing teaching instead..and apply for NIE right away
  • I should waste my time strategicallu, where i can gain experience smartly
  • I should be deciding on my direction right away
  • I should not be tied down in this age. Because it affects my character
  • Boyfriend? A guy who limits me is not one for me. Sex? Then he is totally out. But since I am young, I should be exploring. Safely and smartly
  • I should never lose my pride for anyone
  • Study more! Travel and do whatever the heck I want
  • Settle for something permanant. 
  • Relationships take a lot of hard work. And it must come with genuinity from the heart not from the mouth 

Suddeny this Uncle had the urge to strike a conversation with me.  Although I was a little impatient about it at first. Everything he said striked me in a manner which made me feel that he knows what kind of person I am and what I should be settling for. 

What was more crucial to me was about how everything tied up to the question: “Are you a runner?”

It was as though the Uncle was telling me not to stop running.. run, keep striving. Push your limits and dont be tied down for anything. One day I will get there, and go for where my heart lies in – for what my passion is. Keep running. Because I am a runner, but I dont know my own self yet. I will only stop when I believe I am what I am. 

His name was Jimmy Yap. And he gave me a direction that this young runner needs. Wise words from life experiences.