Me: Okay! I want to do this. I want to learn about this thing. I think i enjoy doing it so I want to see how for I can go. I want to try something new. I want to improve on myself.
Them: why? If the other person is a Mids Universe means, you have to become one is it? If the other person goes to the gym, do you really have to? Oh you must? But what can you do with that?
Them: Stop wearing like this. Who are you attracting? Why do you have to go? Who do you have to go? Must you go? There is alot of stuff to do at home. You are very childish.
Them: Behave like an educated girl. You don’t take care of yourself. You cant even take care of your face. You are becomin like a man. When you go dance, you befriend all the wrong people. You want to be like them. You are spoiling your life.
Them: You cannot be successful. You cannot even behave like a girl and be at home. You have an terrible attitude. I think you are lying.
Them: You have to change. You have to do what is needed. Stop dreaming and do what is necessary for a good life. You dont have to go for classes to work on yourself. You are wasting your time.
Me: What are your diet plans? How are you working?
Them: (Shhhh dont tell her, she will get jealous of you)
Them: Erm, I dont know. I Dont remember anything. I cant tell you because I forgot. Find your own way. Sorry, I cant help.
Me: I can do this myself. I can handle it myself. I dont owe anyone anything.
Them: No, what can you do by yourself? You are too young. You dont even have wings. Oh you think you can do everything by yourself? Go ahead! Lets see what you achieve. You didnt achieve anything? HAHA You are a loser. Worthless. You are so playful and never serious about anything. You are such a deviant, argumentative and a rebel.
Them: No, its alright darling. You are the best! Keep on striving! We love you for who you are! Dont change yourself
Me: Really? Are you proud of me? Can you see me working hard? Can you appreciate me? Do you respect my efforts?
Them: Oh. I dont think so. You are not my cup of tea. I think you are not enough. I love you. But you embarress me. You are not able to settle. You cannot be with me. Be successful! You are good. But you are not enough for me. I cant be with someone like you.
If God transcends all understanding. Then I pray that I dedicate all of my efforts in whatever I do to him, only for one thing in return. To get someone who trusts me against them. When even the own blood fails, let someone else be the saviour. If this hope has power against hopelessness, then let there be a chance where I can emerge from the people who look down on me. I have tried so hard to prove to people that I am worth recognised. But it all hurts.
It all hurts because here I am, sitting down at East Coast Park all alone. Amongs groups of people spending all the time here enjoying themselves, swimming, singing songs. It used to be the place with the best memories and the worst ones too. Where truth emerged and cleared me from the cluttuer. It used to be the place with best memories with two best companions in my life. They used to wait for me, and here I am all alone waiting for my own self to stabilise with something else in my heart. They are gone. And I still stay.
And here I am, all alone. I am afraid this “alone” will become an ultimate comfort zone, and that I will never be able to open up again. Because when I am alone, I am myself. Because when I am alone, I can fight my way through against them. And I am afraid someone else will come along and let me down again, and look down on me again.
I dont ever want to depend on anyone. If I can do it myself, I will do it myself.