Childhood

I still think that my mama would have been better off if she was strong enough and caoable of loving herself even more and get out of an abusive relationship. She has her flaws, but I think that would have been her strength if she never really allowed someone else to dictate what kind of man she needs in her life. A man who can deal with her aggression- we all hoped a calm person. But nope, my dad is ewually aggressive. 

And they gave all kinds of reason, that its a match made in heaven, they wont separate because whatever happens under one roof, will stay within and life goes on. But are they trully happy? Nope. Its been 22 years, and to my knowledge my mama has never said she has been happily married. She sees there is love. I might have seen it when i was much younger. But no I really dont because of what I have been through without the knowledge of my family. 

Anyway, it was not a oleasant childhood. Because of the way my mother gets treated I promised myself that I will never get involved with a guy like that. Never. I imagined so many things of how I want a guy should be like for me. And these standards remain the same till now I guess. Just that I am afraid of my own strength. Its a weird paradoxical feeling, but I vant tell anymore. Something seems so bleak. 

A guy in the future was so important to me. A guy then, for the future (now), but then there is a future beyond.. so i dont know which future was I imagining for. Ridiculous. 

I couldnt accept many things that my dad was. And was so stubborn about receiving what he is not. But eventually accepted all the flaws. Did that make me happy? Nope. 

This is the first fear, that i may nor be happy. 

So what i should do? Be happy now. Triggers. So many triggers that can immediately push me into a particular timeframe. I dont know how I can remember so much but everything overwhelms in magnitude. I havent bren able to get them out though. But there must be a way. 

Big girl 

Growing up was weird. So many things imposed how a girl should be like. That is the problen with traditions and puberty. I hated that. I mean whyyyyy blood coming out of my vagina would dictate anything? I may not even be giving birth in the future. 

So, I asexualised myself. That us the best decision I ever made in my life. Puberty? I can have sex? I can get pregnant? Great. I just confuse myself. I dont know who or who I should imitate. I like this? I do that. I hate that? Its in yiur face. I do what I want and I keep going. Peak period and unstoppable. I made my mama proud. Everyone was happy. I was happy too.

But erm, this was the stage that words get into me very easily. Because I dont pollute what I love to do, I didnt like it when people doubted what I do to make myself proud. That hurts so much. I never meant to go astray, I wanted to do all I can to make me happy, because it was something to look forward to when things were bad at home. 

Words. Words trigger me so much. Do stopping me for everything. Saying I am never good enough. 

18 19 20 

Sucks. Whatever. Want me to go university? Sucks. That was how it was. Because its so sickening. 

I dont have a class. I hate mingling with people. I dont talk. I fight. So? Sucks. Three years of university? Okay, I am not gonna reward myself and I wont talk to anyone. Thats how i entered university. First year went well. And then 2015 came. The year of my success and the year of my downfall. 

Still, sucks. Why the fuck would anyone have to lie? And things that i couldnt control had to happen. Too many temporary people. And the biggest first heartbreak. Fear. This shit cane back again. Maybe it was selfish of me to desire that my peak will last really long. I mean I worked wayyy to hard for this. Never a study person. But this was amazing. Not long lasting. 

Okay. Time to work on myself. Worked on myself with a focus not as steady as it should be. But why not. Was a vry good gurl. I was doubted. I wanted to trt how it be a good girl, as what the society perceives. Yeap. YOLO.

But that hurts. I hurt myself even more in an attempt to escape hurt. Thats annoying. Too much of frustration. 

Super underappreciated. Why you so negative? Yeap I am negative. Why are you complaining? You are never happy? Yeah.. cos I am stuck. But I never thought that this guy will be the reason why i would ever be stuck. And thats when I realised that people dont even know what they are hiding so much of their true self and portraying a different face outside. Erm, nope thats disgusting. 

All these people are outta my life. But, not outta my head. Still i dont know what to do. There must be a way. 

21

Freedom. And i took it seriously. I did made a few decisions and yes, god heard my prayers i wont lie. But the brutal truth was too abrupt i just dont know how to take everything all in.

I felt so alone. A little lonely. A search for answers. I dont care, I want do settle the mess by myself. 

I cared, but I got pushed away? Okay bye. 

I think so, but I am not sure. I settle this mess my own way. You like it or not, i dont care.

You suck? Yeah you do. 

You are amazing? Yes. 

No more in between. 

I get what I want, when I want it. And this is me. I want me back. 

Triggers. So many triggers. I need to become untriggered. Flip my hair and walk off and burn everything behind. I give myself this one year to fully untangle mself from this mess. 

Best thing ever? I do what is best for me. People who are bad to me giving me advices on how to live my life. Bitches. I listened? Woah, really vulnerable. Beautiful, but misused. 

Mould myself and then reshape myself. Newer inspiring things. 

I know I am going to look weird, confused. Maybe desperate? Yeah. Desperate for getting me back, not you. Funny how they got the wrong idea. Stupid. 

I know what I am doing. Just halfway there. 

NIL

Disappeared. And i dont really want to praise much about someone who never actually existed in a way I was convinced to believe because someone else said so. I want to believe because I felt it the way I remember till now. I know that this is a very vague beginning. But here, I just want to type as my thoughts just flow without a focus. 

Went for a meditation clinic and that was eye opener for me. I got really afraid because this meditation help me realised how much I have been afraid of myself and of others. Where did this fear come from actually? Am I really complaining? I feel like I am in a dead end and there is no escape. Depression and mental illness can happen if we dont take care of our mental health. This is scary because at this phase I know so many people who appear normal and happy on the outside but when they attempt to get to know soemone, they behave terribly. This terrible act make them feel important and powerful while demeaning the other person. Compared to someone who only wishes the best for the other person more than himself/herself (really really genuinely, and not in a way to subtly want something in return), this terrible person is truly living in a fake world. 

What is this fear? Where is it actually coming from? What happened to me that I am so afraid of a lot of things right now? Fearlessness was the thing to my name. No one was interested in me and I didnt care because the peak period was really meant for me.

But what about now? And i realise, its always revolving around guys. This matter in fact, I really dont like to discuss about it. But what made me regard them so importantly? Because these guys should not even be affecting me at all, if everyone tell me that they dont even deserve to be standing next to me. Well, I have no comments about that. But, all I know is that I work so hard on myself and for my goals because I only want someone next to me who work equally hard genuinely. I dont pollute what I love truly, and I wont accept a blockage and naysaying to what I love- this is for relationships and for things I do with passion. I deserve to get treated the same way. 

But all these guys come like they are so true. Then, they disappear. And this scares me. They can be so true, but they were so fake. Nothing existed but they can act as if something truly existed. And me, I believe that. Why? Why do I believe in something that is fake, when I only search for something for real. Then clearly, everything was a lie. Everything that i have experienced was a lie. I wanna be happy, straightforward and not mess with my own head. Follow only my voice. So what made me want to listen to another person? 

Am I to be blamed?