I still think that my mama would have been better off if she was strong enough and caoable of loving herself even more and get out of an abusive relationship. She has her flaws, but I think that would have been her strength if she never really allowed someone else to dictate what kind of man she needs in her life. A man who can deal with her aggression- we all hoped a calm person. But nope, my dad is ewually aggressive. 

And they gave all kinds of reason, that its a match made in heaven, they wont separate because whatever happens under one roof, will stay within and life goes on. But are they trully happy? Nope. Its been 22 years, and to my knowledge my mama has never said she has been happily married. She sees there is love. I might have seen it when i was much younger. But no I really dont because of what I have been through without the knowledge of my family. 

Anyway, it was not a oleasant childhood. Because of the way my mother gets treated I promised myself that I will never get involved with a guy like that. Never. I imagined so many things of how I want a guy should be like for me. And these standards remain the same till now I guess. Just that I am afraid of my own strength. Its a weird paradoxical feeling, but I vant tell anymore. Something seems so bleak. 

A guy in the future was so important to me. A guy then, for the future (now), but then there is a future beyond.. so i dont know which future was I imagining for. Ridiculous. 

I couldnt accept many things that my dad was. And was so stubborn about receiving what he is not. But eventually accepted all the flaws. Did that make me happy? Nope. 

This is the first fear, that i may nor be happy. 

So what i should do? Be happy now. Triggers. So many triggers that can immediately push me into a particular timeframe. I dont know how I can remember so much but everything overwhelms in magnitude. I havent bren able to get them out though. But there must be a way. 


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