Disappeared. And i dont really want to praise much about someone who never actually existed in a way I was convinced to believe because someone else said so. I want to believe because I felt it the way I remember till now. I know that this is a very vague beginning. But here, I just want to type as my thoughts just flow without a focus. 

Went for a meditation clinic and that was eye opener for me. I got really afraid because this meditation help me realised how much I have been afraid of myself and of others. Where did this fear come from actually? Am I really complaining? I feel like I am in a dead end and there is no escape. Depression and mental illness can happen if we dont take care of our mental health. This is scary because at this phase I know so many people who appear normal and happy on the outside but when they attempt to get to know soemone, they behave terribly. This terrible act make them feel important and powerful while demeaning the other person. Compared to someone who only wishes the best for the other person more than himself/herself (really really genuinely, and not in a way to subtly want something in return), this terrible person is truly living in a fake world. 

What is this fear? Where is it actually coming from? What happened to me that I am so afraid of a lot of things right now? Fearlessness was the thing to my name. No one was interested in me and I didnt care because the peak period was really meant for me.

But what about now? And i realise, its always revolving around guys. This matter in fact, I really dont like to discuss about it. But what made me regard them so importantly? Because these guys should not even be affecting me at all, if everyone tell me that they dont even deserve to be standing next to me. Well, I have no comments about that. But, all I know is that I work so hard on myself and for my goals because I only want someone next to me who work equally hard genuinely. I dont pollute what I love truly, and I wont accept a blockage and naysaying to what I love- this is for relationships and for things I do with passion. I deserve to get treated the same way. 

But all these guys come like they are so true. Then, they disappear. And this scares me. They can be so true, but they were so fake. Nothing existed but they can act as if something truly existed. And me, I believe that. Why? Why do I believe in something that is fake, when I only search for something for real. Then clearly, everything was a lie. Everything that i have experienced was a lie. I wanna be happy, straightforward and not mess with my own head. Follow only my voice. So what made me want to listen to another person? 

Am I to be blamed? 


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