Reminder: 

This is a reminder for me to go through everything faithfully so that God will here my prayers. And maybe he decided to fulfill my prayers. Only if i were to be faithful and true. 

Side note: 

A queen is not just someone who uses her independence to do whatever she wants and uses her liberty however she wishes. 

A queen is someone who rules without losing her morals, and fulfills what she is destined to do or achieve after facing many challenges. She is one who is strady in her mind and her heart, and always does what is best for others and herself. 

I do not get it why the meaning behind “queen” is so freaking distorted. 

Late night thoughts

I asked my friend. What are you insecurities? She looked at me and gave me a list. Then i asked her why she broke up. She said the guy was too insecure. 

And this is what a guy responds too when asked about his ex girlfriend.

What i am about to write about now, is not to say that insecuritiea are good and they should be left alone. 

I just feel that this thing called “insecurity” is what makes us all human and real, and we should all take a step back to appreaciate that they exist within us. Technically, to embrace our own flaws. 

Some of us maybe aware of the insecurities that we are having. They might not be happy about it. Then, good! Make a positive change and work on yourself instead of ruining your own health and self image. 

If you are always complaining about your insecurities but you dont make an effort and keep expecting that someone has to compensate for your flaws or behave accordingly to your flaws – then u just feel that this person is really messed up. 

Then again, love yourself enough to understand this kind of negative people who dont wish to work on themselves or pretend to work on themselves and deceit the other party’s efforts and trust. 

Love is such a misused word in many ways. And insecurities play a huge part in facilitating this misusage. I have no idea what went wrong. 

Just because its alright now.. doesnt mean its alright forever. This is crucial in the case of dealing with insecurities.

Why is there even double standards to insecurities? Maybe people expect too much from the other party and negkect what they can offer instead. Thats alright. But the question is.. are they willin to work on their own insecurities before pin pointing the oher person? If one person is working on himself or herself, then the other person can learn from him or her. This is about being positive towards growth and change. 

Also, sometimes i do wonder why there is a limit to how much insecurities can people tolerate. And somehow after mucb pondering i think it eventually boils down to how much the person loves the other person. Love is blind. Thats one story. But loving and helping each other to grow and protecying their vulnerabilities is also equally vital. Thats another story. 

I think ultimately it boils down to… what we want for ourselves.. what kind of partner we want.. and how we deal with our own insecurities while meeting another person’s insecurity up close. Its a valuable relationship only if we dont deceit and stay true to ourselves. 

Phuket

Thailand – a place that i will never ever want to go to. Many guys have actually called me to phuket with them. And i have always responded apprehensively, with so much of fear, hesitance and caution. 

This itself has made me wonder what a dangerous place thailand can be. A place rich is culture and liberty, but always associated with the wrong factors as a tourist attraction. 

The strippers clubs, the readily available paid sex, the ladyboys etc – i mean i dont judge them; they may have their own reasons and struggles to do what they do. But it made me question so much about how i can trust a guy for the matter of anything, if he appears to be someone who has to always listen to his dick. Then, how to know if he is really genuine? Sometimes, fantasy is valid.. but i cant be competing with his fantasies to prove my worth. Its just so unfair and unreasonable. 

I still remember begging someone, hugging him so tightly around his neck. Telling him “please dont go to thailand. I dont like that place”. Its so scary. I remember my voice quivering so much and my body was shaking nervously. His touch was not assuring. But i thought he valued me enough to listen to me. Yet, he wasnt the guy he portrayed to me. Thats a different story, but the main point is i never wanted to go there. 

Thats when my internship gave me the opportunity to go phuket. I remember pondering over this trip for many nights. Thinking about my past and how i reacted. What if i were to see someone who offers me sex? What will I do? What if i go into a club and stuff happened? 

Thats when i decided i wanted to enjoy like how everyone enjoyed things like this. Of course not over the board, but just to my satisfaction. Like why not. I dont owe anyone an explanation right now. 

Went into the strippers clubs and saw all the girls grinding and stuff. Watched a little bit of the ping pong show. On one hand, i was truly weirded out. I wouldnt do such a thing to please a guy like that. I mean, no way… but a mixed feeling actually – of why will they want to put themselves in such a degrading situation? They have better communication and socialising skills than me. A better skin complexion and they are so well groomed. But why this? The ladyboys arr so attractive too, like they can easily make any girl jealous. 

Is that why the guys always chide me to behave like a girl, talk like one, walk like one? They have an image of how a girl should be like.. and for sure i suck at this. 

But the fascinating thing is this. I didnt care about what I lacked this time round. This phuket trip has made me understood what i truly am, and not accept any words or imagary that downgrades me. I know i can be fiercely loyal and decent. That is all that matters to me. And though i can accept a guy to live in his fantasy at times, i hope he has his priorities right and maturity to be honest to his thinking and feelings to know what it means to be responsible. 

I am moving on to newer beginings

Phuket has now removed my fear and my insecurities.. and has definitely put a stop to my thinking that i am worthless and not fit to be a girl or something. I am now so much better. And i know i am so much wayyyy better . I do deserve alot. 

Life has different paths for different people. I dont want to comment on other people’s plight. I just know that the awareness i have received from this trip has instilled a new kind of birth and confidence in me.