Thailand – a place that i will never ever want to go to. Many guys have actually called me to phuket with them. And i have always responded apprehensively, with so much of fear, hesitance and caution.
This itself has made me wonder what a dangerous place thailand can be. A place rich is culture and liberty, but always associated with the wrong factors as a tourist attraction.
The strippers clubs, the readily available paid sex, the ladyboys etc – i mean i dont judge them; they may have their own reasons and struggles to do what they do. But it made me question so much about how i can trust a guy for the matter of anything, if he appears to be someone who has to always listen to his dick. Then, how to know if he is really genuine? Sometimes, fantasy is valid.. but i cant be competing with his fantasies to prove my worth. Its just so unfair and unreasonable.
I still remember begging someone, hugging him so tightly around his neck. Telling him “please dont go to thailand. I dont like that place”. Its so scary. I remember my voice quivering so much and my body was shaking nervously. His touch was not assuring. But i thought he valued me enough to listen to me. Yet, he wasnt the guy he portrayed to me. Thats a different story, but the main point is i never wanted to go there.
Thats when my internship gave me the opportunity to go phuket. I remember pondering over this trip for many nights. Thinking about my past and how i reacted. What if i were to see someone who offers me sex? What will I do? What if i go into a club and stuff happened?
Thats when i decided i wanted to enjoy like how everyone enjoyed things like this. Of course not over the board, but just to my satisfaction. Like why not. I dont owe anyone an explanation right now.
Went into the strippers clubs and saw all the girls grinding and stuff. Watched a little bit of the ping pong show. On one hand, i was truly weirded out. I wouldnt do such a thing to please a guy like that. I mean, no way… but a mixed feeling actually – of why will they want to put themselves in such a degrading situation? They have better communication and socialising skills than me. A better skin complexion and they are so well groomed. But why this? The ladyboys arr so attractive too, like they can easily make any girl jealous.
Is that why the guys always chide me to behave like a girl, talk like one, walk like one? They have an image of how a girl should be like.. and for sure i suck at this.
But the fascinating thing is this. I didnt care about what I lacked this time round. This phuket trip has made me understood what i truly am, and not accept any words or imagary that downgrades me. I know i can be fiercely loyal and decent. That is all that matters to me. And though i can accept a guy to live in his fantasy at times, i hope he has his priorities right and maturity to be honest to his thinking and feelings to know what it means to be responsible.
Phuket has now removed my fear and my insecurities.. and has definitely put a stop to my thinking that i am worthless and not fit to be a girl or something. I am now so much better. And i know i am so much wayyyy better . I do deserve alot.
Life has different paths for different people. I dont want to comment on other people’s plight. I just know that the awareness i have received from this trip has instilled a new kind of birth and confidence in me.