There is always a time in our lives, that what we feel that will last, will never last in the end. Like what they used to say: Learn to walk alone, who started with you will not be there to end with you. However, that does not mean that there is nothing permant in this world.
It is sad you know, when people at a young age get affected in various ways. Then, they are not able to accept a truth, the reality. And then, they may just be stuck in the phase and not be able to move on. Then, in every other ways, they are not able to achieve something positive because they are not healed yet. Imagination and fantasy is all good. But to treat such an escapism as reality, then there is indeed something that is not cured within them.
Why am I rambling about this? Because yesterday, I had a mini conversation with my friend. She told me that there was one song that was moving here in this period of time – “Casting Crowns – Here’s my Heart”. Initially, I was a little skeptical about it (mainly because I thought I will not appreciate the song – we have different music taste). But, in the first few minutes of the song, I found myself experiencing a sense of assurance about alot of things.
I asked my friend. Why if God sees everyone so special in his eyes, then why do people hurt each other, knowing that it will hurt someone else? To that, she replied that because people don’t surrender to God. So I asked: Why don’t people be like that, because they behave as though they won’t hurt someone else and such, but they are the ones who are really terrible to people. Sadly, they themselves know they are like that, but they don’t care. To that, my friend replied: Because people follow the world. God actually wants Man to be like Him, not like the world.
Then this hit me in a very deep level, I may not be able to express them in words properly. I am not preaching anyone to be religious, but I am just questioning or wondering about some things.
The people I have met in my life – Those who claim to pray alot, they may merely celebrate. Maybe prayer is a desperste measure in desparate situations. Some people (like my mother for instance) she does not go to the temple much, but her prayers are constant. And she prays to all kinds of Gods, and she prayes deeply then goes on with life. And there are people like my grandmother, who prays all the time. But when i learn to pray as deeply as her, she chides me. But then she lets me follow my faith my own way. She is restrictive (ideologically). But she knows when I am serious.
When different people approach prayers differently, then the question comes to purpose and genuinity. This makes me wonder how hard is it for Man to move towards “like God”, when he is very much obessed with the “world”. If that is really why Man suffers so much, then the definition of happiness that people had impossed on me, or mentioned to me… I don’t think I want to accept that anymore. Because it is these people who lie to me, without knowing that they have been lying to themselves. They have been seeking a buffer in their lives, withouy realising that that buffer is destroying themselves. And luckily this buffer can be treated the right positive way (not in the “positive” way they have been claiming). But sadly, it is only in their own sense and decision they can do that, another person cannot make that decision for themselves.
Then this made me wonder much about values and upbringing. I should not be even going that far, I suppose. But it was scaring me: what if my children become like that, unhealed and very hurt? And then they go and destroy other people? What if they dont really know how to work hard and accept failures as they come along, through payers sincere to their hearts?
It was just scary.
Maybe I can only teach them the right way to do things.. for that, i need to learn the way to be healed. And I am blessed to have soughy Jesus for that. It is not that I dont believe in my own faith. I am very well aware of how God has been protecting me, diverting me from the bad and compelling me to refocus on the good. It must have been a hard work. I just though that that I should not be troubling God like this, if it is in my responsibility to do something about healing myself first.
Feeling love from the wrong kind of people. Feeling love from the right people but they express them in a hurtful way. Feeling love without knowing what love is. Loving people who dont know what love is in the first place. All this have to go completely.
And to Jesus, i feel awkward. I feel I am not sincere enough. Like there is so many things I am thinking about I do not even know where to start from. But to receive the right kind of love, where I see it in words through the Bible – Maybe that is just what I need right now.
I dont really know how this is going to change me, but I know I did try at least. Want to let go of all the dumb things that anger and frustration brought me into.. and focus on all the right this, to what I decide is the best for me and my family.