Childhood

I still think that my mama would have been better off if she was strong enough and caoable of loving herself even more and get out of an abusive relationship. She has her flaws, but I think that would have been her strength if she never really allowed someone else to dictate what kind of man she needs in her life. A man who can deal with her aggression- we all hoped a calm person. But nope, my dad is ewually aggressive. 

And they gave all kinds of reason, that its a match made in heaven, they wont separate because whatever happens under one roof, will stay within and life goes on. But are they trully happy? Nope. Its been 22 years, and to my knowledge my mama has never said she has been happily married. She sees there is love. I might have seen it when i was much younger. But no I really dont because of what I have been through without the knowledge of my family. 

Anyway, it was not a oleasant childhood. Because of the way my mother gets treated I promised myself that I will never get involved with a guy like that. Never. I imagined so many things of how I want a guy should be like for me. And these standards remain the same till now I guess. Just that I am afraid of my own strength. Its a weird paradoxical feeling, but I vant tell anymore. Something seems so bleak. 

A guy in the future was so important to me. A guy then, for the future (now), but then there is a future beyond.. so i dont know which future was I imagining for. Ridiculous. 

I couldnt accept many things that my dad was. And was so stubborn about receiving what he is not. But eventually accepted all the flaws. Did that make me happy? Nope. 

This is the first fear, that i may nor be happy. 

So what i should do? Be happy now. Triggers. So many triggers that can immediately push me into a particular timeframe. I dont know how I can remember so much but everything overwhelms in magnitude. I havent bren able to get them out though. But there must be a way. 

Big girl 

Growing up was weird. So many things imposed how a girl should be like. That is the problen with traditions and puberty. I hated that. I mean whyyyyy blood coming out of my vagina would dictate anything? I may not even be giving birth in the future. 

So, I asexualised myself. That us the best decision I ever made in my life. Puberty? I can have sex? I can get pregnant? Great. I just confuse myself. I dont know who or who I should imitate. I like this? I do that. I hate that? Its in yiur face. I do what I want and I keep going. Peak period and unstoppable. I made my mama proud. Everyone was happy. I was happy too.

But erm, this was the stage that words get into me very easily. Because I dont pollute what I love to do, I didnt like it when people doubted what I do to make myself proud. That hurts so much. I never meant to go astray, I wanted to do all I can to make me happy, because it was something to look forward to when things were bad at home. 

Words. Words trigger me so much. Do stopping me for everything. Saying I am never good enough. 

18 19 20 

Sucks. Whatever. Want me to go university? Sucks. That was how it was. Because its so sickening. 

I dont have a class. I hate mingling with people. I dont talk. I fight. So? Sucks. Three years of university? Okay, I am not gonna reward myself and I wont talk to anyone. Thats how i entered university. First year went well. And then 2015 came. The year of my success and the year of my downfall. 

Still, sucks. Why the fuck would anyone have to lie? And things that i couldnt control had to happen. Too many temporary people. And the biggest first heartbreak. Fear. This shit cane back again. Maybe it was selfish of me to desire that my peak will last really long. I mean I worked wayyy to hard for this. Never a study person. But this was amazing. Not long lasting. 

Okay. Time to work on myself. Worked on myself with a focus not as steady as it should be. But why not. Was a vry good gurl. I was doubted. I wanted to trt how it be a good girl, as what the society perceives. Yeap. YOLO.

But that hurts. I hurt myself even more in an attempt to escape hurt. Thats annoying. Too much of frustration. 

Super underappreciated. Why you so negative? Yeap I am negative. Why are you complaining? You are never happy? Yeah.. cos I am stuck. But I never thought that this guy will be the reason why i would ever be stuck. And thats when I realised that people dont even know what they are hiding so much of their true self and portraying a different face outside. Erm, nope thats disgusting. 

All these people are outta my life. But, not outta my head. Still i dont know what to do. There must be a way. 

21

Freedom. And i took it seriously. I did made a few decisions and yes, god heard my prayers i wont lie. But the brutal truth was too abrupt i just dont know how to take everything all in.

I felt so alone. A little lonely. A search for answers. I dont care, I want do settle the mess by myself. 

I cared, but I got pushed away? Okay bye. 

I think so, but I am not sure. I settle this mess my own way. You like it or not, i dont care.

You suck? Yeah you do. 

You are amazing? Yes. 

No more in between. 

I get what I want, when I want it. And this is me. I want me back. 

Triggers. So many triggers. I need to become untriggered. Flip my hair and walk off and burn everything behind. I give myself this one year to fully untangle mself from this mess. 

Best thing ever? I do what is best for me. People who are bad to me giving me advices on how to live my life. Bitches. I listened? Woah, really vulnerable. Beautiful, but misused. 

Mould myself and then reshape myself. Newer inspiring things. 

I know I am going to look weird, confused. Maybe desperate? Yeah. Desperate for getting me back, not you. Funny how they got the wrong idea. Stupid. 

I know what I am doing. Just halfway there. 

NIL

Disappeared. And i dont really want to praise much about someone who never actually existed in a way I was convinced to believe because someone else said so. I want to believe because I felt it the way I remember till now. I know that this is a very vague beginning. But here, I just want to type as my thoughts just flow without a focus. 

Went for a meditation clinic and that was eye opener for me. I got really afraid because this meditation help me realised how much I have been afraid of myself and of others. Where did this fear come from actually? Am I really complaining? I feel like I am in a dead end and there is no escape. Depression and mental illness can happen if we dont take care of our mental health. This is scary because at this phase I know so many people who appear normal and happy on the outside but when they attempt to get to know soemone, they behave terribly. This terrible act make them feel important and powerful while demeaning the other person. Compared to someone who only wishes the best for the other person more than himself/herself (really really genuinely, and not in a way to subtly want something in return), this terrible person is truly living in a fake world. 

What is this fear? Where is it actually coming from? What happened to me that I am so afraid of a lot of things right now? Fearlessness was the thing to my name. No one was interested in me and I didnt care because the peak period was really meant for me.

But what about now? And i realise, its always revolving around guys. This matter in fact, I really dont like to discuss about it. But what made me regard them so importantly? Because these guys should not even be affecting me at all, if everyone tell me that they dont even deserve to be standing next to me. Well, I have no comments about that. But, all I know is that I work so hard on myself and for my goals because I only want someone next to me who work equally hard genuinely. I dont pollute what I love truly, and I wont accept a blockage and naysaying to what I love- this is for relationships and for things I do with passion. I deserve to get treated the same way. 

But all these guys come like they are so true. Then, they disappear. And this scares me. They can be so true, but they were so fake. Nothing existed but they can act as if something truly existed. And me, I believe that. Why? Why do I believe in something that is fake, when I only search for something for real. Then clearly, everything was a lie. Everything that i have experienced was a lie. I wanna be happy, straightforward and not mess with my own head. Follow only my voice. So what made me want to listen to another person? 

Am I to be blamed? 

A challenge to pride. 

Hopelessness. 

Me: Okay! I want to do this. I want to learn about this thing. I think i enjoy doing it so I want to see how for I can go. I want to try something new. I want to improve on myself. 

Them: why? If the other person is a Mids Universe means, you have to become one is it? If the other person goes to the gym, do you really have to? Oh you must? But what can you do with that? 

Them: Stop wearing like this. Who are you attracting? Why do you have to go? Who do you have to go? Must you go? There is alot of stuff to do at home. You are very childish. 

Them: Behave like an educated girl. You don’t take care of yourself. You cant even take care of your face. You are becomin like a man. When you go dance, you befriend all the wrong people. You want to be like them. You are spoiling your life. 

Them: You cannot be successful. You cannot even behave like a girl and be at home. You have an terrible attitude. I think you are lying. 

Them: You have to change. You have to do what is needed. Stop dreaming and do what is necessary for a good life. You dont have to go for classes to work on yourself. You are wasting your time. 

Me: What are your diet plans? How are you working? 

Them: (Shhhh dont tell her, she will get jealous of you) 

Them: Erm, I dont know. I Dont remember anything. I cant tell you because I forgot. Find your own way. Sorry, I cant help. 

Me: I can do this myself. I can handle it myself. I dont owe anyone anything. 

Them: No, what can you do by yourself? You are too young. You dont even have wings. Oh you think you can do everything by yourself? Go ahead! Lets see what you achieve. You didnt achieve anything? HAHA You are a loser. Worthless. You are so playful and never serious about anything. You are such a deviant, argumentative and a rebel. 

Them: No, its alright darling. You are the best! Keep on striving! We love you for who you are! Dont change yourself

Me: Really? Are you proud of me? Can you see me working hard? Can you appreciate me? Do you respect my efforts? 

Them: Oh. I dont think so. You are not my cup of tea. I think you are not enough. I love you. But you embarress me. You are not able to settle. You cannot be with me. Be successful! You are good. But you are not enough for me. I cant be with someone like you. 

Me: who am I? 

If God transcends all understanding. Then I pray that I dedicate all of my efforts in whatever I do to him, only for one thing in return. To get someone who trusts me against them. When even the own blood fails, let someone else be the saviour. If this hope has power against hopelessness, then let there be a chance where I can emerge from the people who look down on me. I have tried so hard to prove to people that I am worth recognised. But it all hurts. 

It all hurts because here I am, sitting down at East Coast Park all alone. Amongs groups of people spending all the time here enjoying themselves, swimming, singing songs. It used to be the place with the best memories and the worst ones too. Where truth emerged and cleared me from the cluttuer. It used to be the place with best memories with two best companions in my life. They used to wait for me, and here I am all alone waiting for my own self to stabilise with something else in my heart. They are gone. And I still stay.  

And here I am, all alone. I am afraid this “alone” will become an ultimate comfort zone, and that I will never be able to open up again. Because when I am alone, I am myself. Because when I am alone, I can fight my way through against them. And I am afraid someone else will come along and let me down again, and look down on me again. 

I dont ever want to depend on anyone. If I can do it myself, I will do it myself. 

“Casting Crowns – Here’s my Heart. Refocus.

There is always a time in our lives, that what we feel that will last, will never last in the end. Like what they used to say: Learn to walk alone, who started with you will not be there to end with you. However, that does not mean that there is nothing permant in this world. 

It is sad you know, when people at a young age get affected in various ways. Then, they are not able to accept a truth, the reality. And then, they may just be stuck in the phase and not be able to move on. Then, in every other ways, they are not able to achieve something positive because they are not healed yet. Imagination and fantasy is all good. But to treat such an escapism as reality, then there is indeed something that is not cured within them. 

Why am I rambling about this? Because yesterday, I had a mini conversation with my friend. She told me that there was one song that was moving here in this period of time – “Casting Crowns – Here’s my Heart”. Initially, I was a little skeptical about it (mainly because I thought I will not appreciate the song – we have different music taste). But, in the first few minutes of the song, I found myself experiencing a sense of assurance about alot of things. 

I asked my friend. Why if God sees everyone so special in his eyes, then why do people hurt each other, knowing that it will hurt someone else? To that, she replied that because people don’t surrender to God. So I asked: Why don’t people be like that, because they behave as though they won’t hurt someone else and such, but they are the ones who are really terrible to people. Sadly, they themselves know they are like that, but they don’t care. To that, my friend replied: Because people follow the world. God actually wants Man to be like Him, not like the world. 

Then this hit me in a very deep level, I may not be able to express them in words properly. I am not preaching anyone to be religious, but I am just questioning or wondering about some things. 

The people I have met in my life – Those who claim to pray alot, they may merely celebrate. Maybe prayer is a desperste measure in desparate situations. Some people (like my mother for instance) she does not go to the temple much, but her prayers are constant. And she prays to all kinds of Gods, and she prayes deeply then goes on with life. And there are people like my grandmother, who prays all the time. But when i learn to pray as deeply as her, she chides me. But then she lets me follow my faith my own way. She is restrictive (ideologically). But she knows when I am serious. 

When different people approach prayers differently, then the question comes to purpose and genuinity. This makes me wonder how hard is it for Man to move towards “like God”, when he is very much obessed with the “world”. If that is really why Man suffers so much, then the definition of happiness that people had impossed on me, or mentioned to me… I don’t think I want to accept that anymore. Because it is these people who lie to me, without knowing that they have been lying to themselves. They have been seeking a buffer in their lives, withouy realising that that buffer is destroying themselves. And luckily  this buffer can be treated the right positive way (not in the “positive” way they have been claiming). But sadly, it is only in their own sense and decision they can do that, another person cannot make that decision for themselves. 

Then this made me wonder much about values and upbringing. I should not be even going that far, I suppose. But it was scaring me: what if my children become like that, unhealed and very hurt? And then they go and destroy other people? What if they dont really know how to work hard and accept failures as they come along, through payers sincere to their hearts? 

It was just scary. 

Maybe I can only teach them the right way to do things.. for that, i need to learn the way to be healed. And I am blessed to have soughy Jesus for that. It is not that I dont believe in my own faith. I am very well aware of how God has been protecting me, diverting me from the bad and compelling me to refocus on the good. It must have been a hard work. I just though that that I should not be troubling God like this, if it is in my responsibility to do something about healing myself first. 

Feeling love from the wrong kind of people. Feeling love from the right people but they express them in a hurtful way. Feeling love without knowing what love is. Loving people who dont know what love is in the first place. All this have to go completely. 

And to Jesus, i feel awkward. I feel I am not sincere enough. Like there is so many things I am thinking about I do not even know where to start from. But to receive the right kind of love, where I see it in words through the Bible – Maybe that is just what I need right now. 

I dont really know how this is going to change me, but I know I did try at least. Want to let go of all the dumb things that anger and frustration brought me into.. and focus on all the right this, to what I decide is the best for me and my family. 

Refocused. 

“Are you a runner?”: A Reminder sent from God

It was just the day before that I was on the phone with my mother, just convincing her how I am settling my finance, about my internship and my life after that. I was telling her how everything is under control and how it is awesome that I have a long term sight ahead of me – so she does not have to worry much. 

My mother was silent. She ended the conversation with a “Mmm” – which I think was more of a agreement and to signal to me to let life flow. I hate that. Everytime I let life flow, I get affected in the end.  So, I was adamant about having everything according to what I decided. I was in a drive. 

The next morning, I went to the track for a legit sprint workout. Everything was going well and good. It was time to leave the stadium when someone called me from behind and asked me: Are you a runner? 

Shocked.. because my standards dropped for my workout. I was a little disappointed. Yet, even then someone can tell that I was a background. HAHA Okayyy. So what does this guy want? 

I replied: Yes, Uncle. But it was a long time ago. 

Him: You represent Singapore? 

Me: (Wow) Erm no uncle. I was from AJC. Was supposed to go for nationals. But i did not because I went for SYF. 

And from there.. everything else began. 

We talked in length about 

  • whether the internship I was going to do was worth my time
  • I should be doing teaching instead..and apply for NIE right away
  • I should waste my time strategicallu, where i can gain experience smartly
  • I should be deciding on my direction right away
  • I should not be tied down in this age. Because it affects my character
  • Boyfriend? A guy who limits me is not one for me. Sex? Then he is totally out. But since I am young, I should be exploring. Safely and smartly
  • I should never lose my pride for anyone
  • Study more! Travel and do whatever the heck I want
  • Settle for something permanant. 
  • Relationships take a lot of hard work. And it must come with genuinity from the heart not from the mouth 

Suddeny this Uncle had the urge to strike a conversation with me.  Although I was a little impatient about it at first. Everything he said striked me in a manner which made me feel that he knows what kind of person I am and what I should be settling for. 

What was more crucial to me was about how everything tied up to the question: “Are you a runner?”

It was as though the Uncle was telling me not to stop running.. run, keep striving. Push your limits and dont be tied down for anything. One day I will get there, and go for where my heart lies in – for what my passion is. Keep running. Because I am a runner, but I dont know my own self yet. I will only stop when I believe I am what I am. 

His name was Jimmy Yap. And he gave me a direction that this young runner needs. Wise words from life experiences. 

I forgot how your lips taste like

//load.sumome.com/

Hey, there have been times i got confused. I don’t really remember anymore how you look like. Or how you used to say things to make me believe you, because you know that I dont want to ever let my guards down. You knew exactly what I wanted and you behaved accordingly. I thought you were honest, only to know you pretended in the end. And that was scary because someone can act so perfectly, though. I used to tell people that whenever you come close to me, i will stop breathing and my body tightens up. I thought it was because it was something beautiful. But overtime, I realised I was scaring my soul all the time with you. Now, I don’t remember how you look like or how you make me feel anymore. Yes, I have your photos with me, but somehow my memories cannot match with the photos I see. And baby, I think that is the better thing. 

And you, you came right after this fellow over here. Used the same techniques. Of course I did not believe you. Matter fact I did not love you. All you wanted to do was to play me, and I know that very well. We may have done so many ridiculous things together in the name of “couple in relationship”, but what is the point if it is not true. You spoiled the whole excitement about the first kiss or anything else that follows for that matter. Am I to be blamed for allowing that? Maybe not blamed.. because I gave you the benefit of doubt and you ruined it. Thank god I never see you again, and whenever I hear about you from other people around me. You are just a weird fellow. What goes around comes around, so I hope to fear for that for at least once in your life. And for someone who suspected me in every way, while you go and do the exact same thing behind my back while I remain loyal for the sake of “relationship” – man, I must have put my soul on fire then. But thank god I forgot how my first kiss felt like, it never felt like one in the first place anyway. 

And you, haha. You had a way honey. For someone with anxiety, you are all that person needs. Maybe thats why I was emotionally attached to you. I think it is best to leave it at there, because me being emotionally attached to you does not equate with you teaching me how to feel something. I realised that I have been having everything all in me all the while. I guess I don’t know my own worth then. So, I listened to every “encouraging and supportive” things you say to make me feel better about myself. And in the end, you would say that no matter how hard you try, I wont be happy. Now I know why, because you did’nt believe in me in being able to achieve what you said with your words. Your words and your actions, they are two different worlds apart. And when you nicely put me down, I felt so lowly of myself. I dont deserve that, for wanting to be a better person (for you implicitly). Your dedication to other girls, it makes me feel weird. Because you can do the same thing to everyone who come along in your life, so what is so special left for the special someone. I know what will that be – an abusive relationship. It makes me sad, that you are so empty and disappointed. But then there are something you have to learn by yourself. And I have other better thins to do. I just feel that, by thinking that I am rooting for you, maybe I am rooting for someone else who is worth everything I am going through. So if that is what I believe, then the best decision is to seriously forgot who you look like. Somehow when writing this, i imagine a blurred face. Like a chameleon. You were never anything from the heart. I dont deserve that. I gave my 100%, like you were a special someone. 

I forgot how your lips taste like. When my lios touch yours, I only remember how my lips felt like on yours. I forgot how your lips taste like… 

My soul was on fire. I burnt it so many times. But I saved it myself. Not for once it had blamed me for pushing it into the furnance. Maybe because it trusted that we will make it through. But for the sake of this trust at least, I have to stop burning my soul. My soul loves me more than anything else in the world. 

@beachesandavacados

Because the say salt water smells like memories. Because they say the sun is good for Vitamin D. Because they say its time to bikini. So they say get ready your summer body. 

Follow me on intstagram HAHA! 

Anyway, you have been thinking about this lately – you might have tried so many things because you want to gain more experiences. But what is it that you are really good at? Have you been doing it dutifully? 

Maybe your truth is.. a no. You might have tried so many activities with your friends. Yes, these activies are enjoyable. You had your fun and you are happy. However, what exactly is it that you have in you, that you didnt really tap on? Have you had questions like this before? 

I think in this phase, I am encountering these “About me” questions. Because, i thought my experiences were good and propably really rich. But everytime, i find my soul screaming for something else. Honestly, that is not an exaggeration. 

Good news is that i found out what is that. And that is something I have been avoiding for a very long time. Sprinting

Once it was a source of energy. Now its pain. Afraid to go back to it. Body, not up to standards anymore. Yes, fit. Nope, not satisfied. Maybe i should not settle? 

So here, I am going to record my fitness journey. Cliche it might be, but lets see what happens! Lets not talk about how awesome times were in the past when i was young. It wasnt healthy a journey anyway, because i took too many breaks, slacked alot and eat too much because of emotional issues, stress and anxiety. The battle is a little different. 

Now, fast forward to 2016 to 2017

  • Experimenting on food choices
  • Completely no nutella, Mcspicy, potatoe chips
  • No overeating, no matter how hungry i get
  • Went to the gym every single day. Yes i overexhausted myself sometimes. And i was underweight for a few months that i found myself eating to not be underweight. 
  • Engaged in so many activities, lost too much of weight. 

Now 2017: 

  • 4-6 months just eat, appropriately. Not overeating. Not undereating. Confusing my calories to maintain. 
  • Abs.. kinda disappearing because have not been excercising (final semester, and just emotionally drained because of stupid people) 
  • But hey, 18.8% from 20.2% body fat. So still good. 
  • I think my ass is gone. Seriously. That IS demoralising.

So mission 2017.. i am ready for it. I have an idea on how i am going to work things out. This is for my modelling, and as well for my fitness in general. This is my second year in this journey, and after all the experimenting, I am going to start this right.

Oh.. the other thing my soul is screaming for? Haha!! Travelling. Nothing can tame a oceanholic babyyyy!!