Reminder: 

This is a reminder for me to go through everything faithfully so that God will here my prayers. And maybe he decided to fulfill my prayers. Only if i were to be faithful and true. 

Side note: 

A queen is not just someone who uses her independence to do whatever she wants and uses her liberty however she wishes. 

A queen is someone who rules without losing her morals, and fulfills what she is destined to do or achieve after facing many challenges. She is one who is strady in her mind and her heart, and always does what is best for others and herself. 

I do not get it why the meaning behind “queen” is so freaking distorted. 

Late night thoughts

I asked my friend. What are you insecurities? She looked at me and gave me a list. Then i asked her why she broke up. She said the guy was too insecure. 

And this is what a guy responds too when asked about his ex girlfriend.

What i am about to write about now, is not to say that insecuritiea are good and they should be left alone. 

I just feel that this thing called “insecurity” is what makes us all human and real, and we should all take a step back to appreaciate that they exist within us. Technically, to embrace our own flaws. 

Some of us maybe aware of the insecurities that we are having. They might not be happy about it. Then, good! Make a positive change and work on yourself instead of ruining your own health and self image. 

If you are always complaining about your insecurities but you dont make an effort and keep expecting that someone has to compensate for your flaws or behave accordingly to your flaws – then u just feel that this person is really messed up. 

Then again, love yourself enough to understand this kind of negative people who dont wish to work on themselves or pretend to work on themselves and deceit the other party’s efforts and trust. 

Love is such a misused word in many ways. And insecurities play a huge part in facilitating this misusage. I have no idea what went wrong. 

Just because its alright now.. doesnt mean its alright forever. This is crucial in the case of dealing with insecurities.

Why is there even double standards to insecurities? Maybe people expect too much from the other party and negkect what they can offer instead. Thats alright. But the question is.. are they willin to work on their own insecurities before pin pointing the oher person? If one person is working on himself or herself, then the other person can learn from him or her. This is about being positive towards growth and change. 

Also, sometimes i do wonder why there is a limit to how much insecurities can people tolerate. And somehow after mucb pondering i think it eventually boils down to how much the person loves the other person. Love is blind. Thats one story. But loving and helping each other to grow and protecying their vulnerabilities is also equally vital. Thats another story. 

I think ultimately it boils down to… what we want for ourselves.. what kind of partner we want.. and how we deal with our own insecurities while meeting another person’s insecurity up close. Its a valuable relationship only if we dont deceit and stay true to ourselves. 

Phuket

Thailand – a place that i will never ever want to go to. Many guys have actually called me to phuket with them. And i have always responded apprehensively, with so much of fear, hesitance and caution. 

This itself has made me wonder what a dangerous place thailand can be. A place rich is culture and liberty, but always associated with the wrong factors as a tourist attraction. 

The strippers clubs, the readily available paid sex, the ladyboys etc – i mean i dont judge them; they may have their own reasons and struggles to do what they do. But it made me question so much about how i can trust a guy for the matter of anything, if he appears to be someone who has to always listen to his dick. Then, how to know if he is really genuine? Sometimes, fantasy is valid.. but i cant be competing with his fantasies to prove my worth. Its just so unfair and unreasonable. 

I still remember begging someone, hugging him so tightly around his neck. Telling him “please dont go to thailand. I dont like that place”. Its so scary. I remember my voice quivering so much and my body was shaking nervously. His touch was not assuring. But i thought he valued me enough to listen to me. Yet, he wasnt the guy he portrayed to me. Thats a different story, but the main point is i never wanted to go there. 

Thats when my internship gave me the opportunity to go phuket. I remember pondering over this trip for many nights. Thinking about my past and how i reacted. What if i were to see someone who offers me sex? What will I do? What if i go into a club and stuff happened? 

Thats when i decided i wanted to enjoy like how everyone enjoyed things like this. Of course not over the board, but just to my satisfaction. Like why not. I dont owe anyone an explanation right now. 

Went into the strippers clubs and saw all the girls grinding and stuff. Watched a little bit of the ping pong show. On one hand, i was truly weirded out. I wouldnt do such a thing to please a guy like that. I mean, no way… but a mixed feeling actually – of why will they want to put themselves in such a degrading situation? They have better communication and socialising skills than me. A better skin complexion and they are so well groomed. But why this? The ladyboys arr so attractive too, like they can easily make any girl jealous. 

Is that why the guys always chide me to behave like a girl, talk like one, walk like one? They have an image of how a girl should be like.. and for sure i suck at this. 

But the fascinating thing is this. I didnt care about what I lacked this time round. This phuket trip has made me understood what i truly am, and not accept any words or imagary that downgrades me. I know i can be fiercely loyal and decent. That is all that matters to me. And though i can accept a guy to live in his fantasy at times, i hope he has his priorities right and maturity to be honest to his thinking and feelings to know what it means to be responsible. 

I am moving on to newer beginings

Phuket has now removed my fear and my insecurities.. and has definitely put a stop to my thinking that i am worthless and not fit to be a girl or something. I am now so much better. And i know i am so much wayyyy better . I do deserve alot. 

Life has different paths for different people. I dont want to comment on other people’s plight. I just know that the awareness i have received from this trip has instilled a new kind of birth and confidence in me. 

Childhood

I still think that my mama would have been better off if she was strong enough and caoable of loving herself even more and get out of an abusive relationship. She has her flaws, but I think that would have been her strength if she never really allowed someone else to dictate what kind of man she needs in her life. A man who can deal with her aggression- we all hoped a calm person. But nope, my dad is ewually aggressive. 

And they gave all kinds of reason, that its a match made in heaven, they wont separate because whatever happens under one roof, will stay within and life goes on. But are they trully happy? Nope. Its been 22 years, and to my knowledge my mama has never said she has been happily married. She sees there is love. I might have seen it when i was much younger. But no I really dont because of what I have been through without the knowledge of my family. 

Anyway, it was not a oleasant childhood. Because of the way my mother gets treated I promised myself that I will never get involved with a guy like that. Never. I imagined so many things of how I want a guy should be like for me. And these standards remain the same till now I guess. Just that I am afraid of my own strength. Its a weird paradoxical feeling, but I vant tell anymore. Something seems so bleak. 

A guy in the future was so important to me. A guy then, for the future (now), but then there is a future beyond.. so i dont know which future was I imagining for. Ridiculous. 

I couldnt accept many things that my dad was. And was so stubborn about receiving what he is not. But eventually accepted all the flaws. Did that make me happy? Nope. 

This is the first fear, that i may nor be happy. 

So what i should do? Be happy now. Triggers. So many triggers that can immediately push me into a particular timeframe. I dont know how I can remember so much but everything overwhelms in magnitude. I havent bren able to get them out though. But there must be a way. 

Big girl 

Growing up was weird. So many things imposed how a girl should be like. That is the problen with traditions and puberty. I hated that. I mean whyyyyy blood coming out of my vagina would dictate anything? I may not even be giving birth in the future. 

So, I asexualised myself. That us the best decision I ever made in my life. Puberty? I can have sex? I can get pregnant? Great. I just confuse myself. I dont know who or who I should imitate. I like this? I do that. I hate that? Its in yiur face. I do what I want and I keep going. Peak period and unstoppable. I made my mama proud. Everyone was happy. I was happy too.

But erm, this was the stage that words get into me very easily. Because I dont pollute what I love to do, I didnt like it when people doubted what I do to make myself proud. That hurts so much. I never meant to go astray, I wanted to do all I can to make me happy, because it was something to look forward to when things were bad at home. 

Words. Words trigger me so much. Do stopping me for everything. Saying I am never good enough. 

18 19 20 

Sucks. Whatever. Want me to go university? Sucks. That was how it was. Because its so sickening. 

I dont have a class. I hate mingling with people. I dont talk. I fight. So? Sucks. Three years of university? Okay, I am not gonna reward myself and I wont talk to anyone. Thats how i entered university. First year went well. And then 2015 came. The year of my success and the year of my downfall. 

Still, sucks. Why the fuck would anyone have to lie? And things that i couldnt control had to happen. Too many temporary people. And the biggest first heartbreak. Fear. This shit cane back again. Maybe it was selfish of me to desire that my peak will last really long. I mean I worked wayyy to hard for this. Never a study person. But this was amazing. Not long lasting. 

Okay. Time to work on myself. Worked on myself with a focus not as steady as it should be. But why not. Was a vry good gurl. I was doubted. I wanted to trt how it be a good girl, as what the society perceives. Yeap. YOLO.

But that hurts. I hurt myself even more in an attempt to escape hurt. Thats annoying. Too much of frustration. 

Super underappreciated. Why you so negative? Yeap I am negative. Why are you complaining? You are never happy? Yeah.. cos I am stuck. But I never thought that this guy will be the reason why i would ever be stuck. And thats when I realised that people dont even know what they are hiding so much of their true self and portraying a different face outside. Erm, nope thats disgusting. 

All these people are outta my life. But, not outta my head. Still i dont know what to do. There must be a way. 

21

Freedom. And i took it seriously. I did made a few decisions and yes, god heard my prayers i wont lie. But the brutal truth was too abrupt i just dont know how to take everything all in.

I felt so alone. A little lonely. A search for answers. I dont care, I want do settle the mess by myself. 

I cared, but I got pushed away? Okay bye. 

I think so, but I am not sure. I settle this mess my own way. You like it or not, i dont care.

You suck? Yeah you do. 

You are amazing? Yes. 

No more in between. 

I get what I want, when I want it. And this is me. I want me back. 

Triggers. So many triggers. I need to become untriggered. Flip my hair and walk off and burn everything behind. I give myself this one year to fully untangle mself from this mess. 

Best thing ever? I do what is best for me. People who are bad to me giving me advices on how to live my life. Bitches. I listened? Woah, really vulnerable. Beautiful, but misused. 

Mould myself and then reshape myself. Newer inspiring things. 

I know I am going to look weird, confused. Maybe desperate? Yeah. Desperate for getting me back, not you. Funny how they got the wrong idea. Stupid. 

I know what I am doing. Just halfway there. 

NIL

Disappeared. And i dont really want to praise much about someone who never actually existed in a way I was convinced to believe because someone else said so. I want to believe because I felt it the way I remember till now. I know that this is a very vague beginning. But here, I just want to type as my thoughts just flow without a focus. 

Went for a meditation clinic and that was eye opener for me. I got really afraid because this meditation help me realised how much I have been afraid of myself and of others. Where did this fear come from actually? Am I really complaining? I feel like I am in a dead end and there is no escape. Depression and mental illness can happen if we dont take care of our mental health. This is scary because at this phase I know so many people who appear normal and happy on the outside but when they attempt to get to know soemone, they behave terribly. This terrible act make them feel important and powerful while demeaning the other person. Compared to someone who only wishes the best for the other person more than himself/herself (really really genuinely, and not in a way to subtly want something in return), this terrible person is truly living in a fake world. 

What is this fear? Where is it actually coming from? What happened to me that I am so afraid of a lot of things right now? Fearlessness was the thing to my name. No one was interested in me and I didnt care because the peak period was really meant for me.

But what about now? And i realise, its always revolving around guys. This matter in fact, I really dont like to discuss about it. But what made me regard them so importantly? Because these guys should not even be affecting me at all, if everyone tell me that they dont even deserve to be standing next to me. Well, I have no comments about that. But, all I know is that I work so hard on myself and for my goals because I only want someone next to me who work equally hard genuinely. I dont pollute what I love truly, and I wont accept a blockage and naysaying to what I love- this is for relationships and for things I do with passion. I deserve to get treated the same way. 

But all these guys come like they are so true. Then, they disappear. And this scares me. They can be so true, but they were so fake. Nothing existed but they can act as if something truly existed. And me, I believe that. Why? Why do I believe in something that is fake, when I only search for something for real. Then clearly, everything was a lie. Everything that i have experienced was a lie. I wanna be happy, straightforward and not mess with my own head. Follow only my voice. So what made me want to listen to another person? 

Am I to be blamed? 

A challenge to pride. 

Hopelessness. 

Me: Okay! I want to do this. I want to learn about this thing. I think i enjoy doing it so I want to see how for I can go. I want to try something new. I want to improve on myself. 

Them: why? If the other person is a Mids Universe means, you have to become one is it? If the other person goes to the gym, do you really have to? Oh you must? But what can you do with that? 

Them: Stop wearing like this. Who are you attracting? Why do you have to go? Who do you have to go? Must you go? There is alot of stuff to do at home. You are very childish. 

Them: Behave like an educated girl. You don’t take care of yourself. You cant even take care of your face. You are becomin like a man. When you go dance, you befriend all the wrong people. You want to be like them. You are spoiling your life. 

Them: You cannot be successful. You cannot even behave like a girl and be at home. You have an terrible attitude. I think you are lying. 

Them: You have to change. You have to do what is needed. Stop dreaming and do what is necessary for a good life. You dont have to go for classes to work on yourself. You are wasting your time. 

Me: What are your diet plans? How are you working? 

Them: (Shhhh dont tell her, she will get jealous of you) 

Them: Erm, I dont know. I Dont remember anything. I cant tell you because I forgot. Find your own way. Sorry, I cant help. 

Me: I can do this myself. I can handle it myself. I dont owe anyone anything. 

Them: No, what can you do by yourself? You are too young. You dont even have wings. Oh you think you can do everything by yourself? Go ahead! Lets see what you achieve. You didnt achieve anything? HAHA You are a loser. Worthless. You are so playful and never serious about anything. You are such a deviant, argumentative and a rebel. 

Them: No, its alright darling. You are the best! Keep on striving! We love you for who you are! Dont change yourself

Me: Really? Are you proud of me? Can you see me working hard? Can you appreciate me? Do you respect my efforts? 

Them: Oh. I dont think so. You are not my cup of tea. I think you are not enough. I love you. But you embarress me. You are not able to settle. You cannot be with me. Be successful! You are good. But you are not enough for me. I cant be with someone like you. 

Me: who am I? 

If God transcends all understanding. Then I pray that I dedicate all of my efforts in whatever I do to him, only for one thing in return. To get someone who trusts me against them. When even the own blood fails, let someone else be the saviour. If this hope has power against hopelessness, then let there be a chance where I can emerge from the people who look down on me. I have tried so hard to prove to people that I am worth recognised. But it all hurts. 

It all hurts because here I am, sitting down at East Coast Park all alone. Amongs groups of people spending all the time here enjoying themselves, swimming, singing songs. It used to be the place with the best memories and the worst ones too. Where truth emerged and cleared me from the cluttuer. It used to be the place with best memories with two best companions in my life. They used to wait for me, and here I am all alone waiting for my own self to stabilise with something else in my heart. They are gone. And I still stay.  

And here I am, all alone. I am afraid this “alone” will become an ultimate comfort zone, and that I will never be able to open up again. Because when I am alone, I am myself. Because when I am alone, I can fight my way through against them. And I am afraid someone else will come along and let me down again, and look down on me again. 

I dont ever want to depend on anyone. If I can do it myself, I will do it myself. 

“Casting Crowns – Here’s my Heart. Refocus.

There is always a time in our lives, that what we feel that will last, will never last in the end. Like what they used to say: Learn to walk alone, who started with you will not be there to end with you. However, that does not mean that there is nothing permant in this world. 

It is sad you know, when people at a young age get affected in various ways. Then, they are not able to accept a truth, the reality. And then, they may just be stuck in the phase and not be able to move on. Then, in every other ways, they are not able to achieve something positive because they are not healed yet. Imagination and fantasy is all good. But to treat such an escapism as reality, then there is indeed something that is not cured within them. 

Why am I rambling about this? Because yesterday, I had a mini conversation with my friend. She told me that there was one song that was moving here in this period of time – “Casting Crowns – Here’s my Heart”. Initially, I was a little skeptical about it (mainly because I thought I will not appreciate the song – we have different music taste). But, in the first few minutes of the song, I found myself experiencing a sense of assurance about alot of things. 

I asked my friend. Why if God sees everyone so special in his eyes, then why do people hurt each other, knowing that it will hurt someone else? To that, she replied that because people don’t surrender to God. So I asked: Why don’t people be like that, because they behave as though they won’t hurt someone else and such, but they are the ones who are really terrible to people. Sadly, they themselves know they are like that, but they don’t care. To that, my friend replied: Because people follow the world. God actually wants Man to be like Him, not like the world. 

Then this hit me in a very deep level, I may not be able to express them in words properly. I am not preaching anyone to be religious, but I am just questioning or wondering about some things. 

The people I have met in my life – Those who claim to pray alot, they may merely celebrate. Maybe prayer is a desperste measure in desparate situations. Some people (like my mother for instance) she does not go to the temple much, but her prayers are constant. And she prays to all kinds of Gods, and she prayes deeply then goes on with life. And there are people like my grandmother, who prays all the time. But when i learn to pray as deeply as her, she chides me. But then she lets me follow my faith my own way. She is restrictive (ideologically). But she knows when I am serious. 

When different people approach prayers differently, then the question comes to purpose and genuinity. This makes me wonder how hard is it for Man to move towards “like God”, when he is very much obessed with the “world”. If that is really why Man suffers so much, then the definition of happiness that people had impossed on me, or mentioned to me… I don’t think I want to accept that anymore. Because it is these people who lie to me, without knowing that they have been lying to themselves. They have been seeking a buffer in their lives, withouy realising that that buffer is destroying themselves. And luckily  this buffer can be treated the right positive way (not in the “positive” way they have been claiming). But sadly, it is only in their own sense and decision they can do that, another person cannot make that decision for themselves. 

Then this made me wonder much about values and upbringing. I should not be even going that far, I suppose. But it was scaring me: what if my children become like that, unhealed and very hurt? And then they go and destroy other people? What if they dont really know how to work hard and accept failures as they come along, through payers sincere to their hearts? 

It was just scary. 

Maybe I can only teach them the right way to do things.. for that, i need to learn the way to be healed. And I am blessed to have soughy Jesus for that. It is not that I dont believe in my own faith. I am very well aware of how God has been protecting me, diverting me from the bad and compelling me to refocus on the good. It must have been a hard work. I just though that that I should not be troubling God like this, if it is in my responsibility to do something about healing myself first. 

Feeling love from the wrong kind of people. Feeling love from the right people but they express them in a hurtful way. Feeling love without knowing what love is. Loving people who dont know what love is in the first place. All this have to go completely. 

And to Jesus, i feel awkward. I feel I am not sincere enough. Like there is so many things I am thinking about I do not even know where to start from. But to receive the right kind of love, where I see it in words through the Bible – Maybe that is just what I need right now. 

I dont really know how this is going to change me, but I know I did try at least. Want to let go of all the dumb things that anger and frustration brought me into.. and focus on all the right this, to what I decide is the best for me and my family. 

Refocused.