“Are you a runner?”: A Reminder sent from God

It was just the day before that I was on the phone with my mother, just convincing her how I am settling my finance, about my internship and my life after that. I was telling her how everything is under control and how it is awesome that I have a long term sight ahead of me – so she does not have to worry much. 

My mother was silent. She ended the conversation with a “Mmm” – which I think was more of a agreement and to signal to me to let life flow. I hate that. Everytime I let life flow, I get affected in the end.  So, I was adamant about having everything according to what I decided. I was in a drive. 

The next morning, I went to the track for a legit sprint workout. Everything was going well and good. It was time to leave the stadium when someone called me from behind and asked me: Are you a runner? 

Shocked.. because my standards dropped for my workout. I was a little disappointed. Yet, even then someone can tell that I was a background. HAHA Okayyy. So what does this guy want? 

I replied: Yes, Uncle. But it was a long time ago. 

Him: You represent Singapore? 

Me: (Wow) Erm no uncle. I was from AJC. Was supposed to go for nationals. But i did not because I went for SYF. 

And from there.. everything else began. 

We talked in length about 

  • whether the internship I was going to do was worth my time
  • I should be doing teaching instead..and apply for NIE right away
  • I should waste my time strategicallu, where i can gain experience smartly
  • I should be deciding on my direction right away
  • I should not be tied down in this age. Because it affects my character
  • Boyfriend? A guy who limits me is not one for me. Sex? Then he is totally out. But since I am young, I should be exploring. Safely and smartly
  • I should never lose my pride for anyone
  • Study more! Travel and do whatever the heck I want
  • Settle for something permanant. 
  • Relationships take a lot of hard work. And it must come with genuinity from the heart not from the mouth 

Suddeny this Uncle had the urge to strike a conversation with me.  Although I was a little impatient about it at first. Everything he said striked me in a manner which made me feel that he knows what kind of person I am and what I should be settling for. 

What was more crucial to me was about how everything tied up to the question: “Are you a runner?”

It was as though the Uncle was telling me not to stop running.. run, keep striving. Push your limits and dont be tied down for anything. One day I will get there, and go for where my heart lies in – for what my passion is. Keep running. Because I am a runner, but I dont know my own self yet. I will only stop when I believe I am what I am. 

His name was Jimmy Yap. And he gave me a direction that this young runner needs. Wise words from life experiences. 

I forgot how your lips taste like

//load.sumome.com/

Hey, there have been times i got confused. I don’t really remember anymore how you look like. Or how you used to say things to make me believe you, because you know that I dont want to ever let my guards down. You knew exactly what I wanted and you behaved accordingly. I thought you were honest, only to know you pretended in the end. And that was scary because someone can act so perfectly, though. I used to tell people that whenever you come close to me, i will stop breathing and my body tightens up. I thought it was because it was something beautiful. But overtime, I realised I was scaring my soul all the time with you. Now, I don’t remember how you look like or how you make me feel anymore. Yes, I have your photos with me, but somehow my memories cannot match with the photos I see. And baby, I think that is the better thing. 

And you, you came right after this fellow over here. Used the same techniques. Of course I did not believe you. Matter fact I did not love you. All you wanted to do was to play me, and I know that very well. We may have done so many ridiculous things together in the name of “couple in relationship”, but what is the point if it is not true. You spoiled the whole excitement about the first kiss or anything else that follows for that matter. Am I to be blamed for allowing that? Maybe not blamed.. because I gave you the benefit of doubt and you ruined it. Thank god I never see you again, and whenever I hear about you from other people around me. You are just a weird fellow. What goes around comes around, so I hope to fear for that for at least once in your life. And for someone who suspected me in every way, while you go and do the exact same thing behind my back while I remain loyal for the sake of “relationship” – man, I must have put my soul on fire then. But thank god I forgot how my first kiss felt like, it never felt like one in the first place anyway. 

And you, haha. You had a way honey. For someone with anxiety, you are all that person needs. Maybe thats why I was emotionally attached to you. I think it is best to leave it at there, because me being emotionally attached to you does not equate with you teaching me how to feel something. I realised that I have been having everything all in me all the while. I guess I don’t know my own worth then. So, I listened to every “encouraging and supportive” things you say to make me feel better about myself. And in the end, you would say that no matter how hard you try, I wont be happy. Now I know why, because you did’nt believe in me in being able to achieve what you said with your words. Your words and your actions, they are two different worlds apart. And when you nicely put me down, I felt so lowly of myself. I dont deserve that, for wanting to be a better person (for you implicitly). Your dedication to other girls, it makes me feel weird. Because you can do the same thing to everyone who come along in your life, so what is so special left for the special someone. I know what will that be – an abusive relationship. It makes me sad, that you are so empty and disappointed. But then there are something you have to learn by yourself. And I have other better thins to do. I just feel that, by thinking that I am rooting for you, maybe I am rooting for someone else who is worth everything I am going through. So if that is what I believe, then the best decision is to seriously forgot who you look like. Somehow when writing this, i imagine a blurred face. Like a chameleon. You were never anything from the heart. I dont deserve that. I gave my 100%, like you were a special someone. 

I forgot how your lips taste like. When my lios touch yours, I only remember how my lips felt like on yours. I forgot how your lips taste like… 

My soul was on fire. I burnt it so many times. But I saved it myself. Not for once it had blamed me for pushing it into the furnance. Maybe because it trusted that we will make it through. But for the sake of this trust at least, I have to stop burning my soul. My soul loves me more than anything else in the world. 

@beachesandavacados

Because the say salt water smells like memories. Because they say the sun is good for Vitamin D. Because they say its time to bikini. So they say get ready your summer body. 

Follow me on intstagram HAHA! 

Anyway, you have been thinking about this lately – you might have tried so many things because you want to gain more experiences. But what is it that you are really good at? Have you been doing it dutifully? 

Maybe your truth is.. a no. You might have tried so many activities with your friends. Yes, these activies are enjoyable. You had your fun and you are happy. However, what exactly is it that you have in you, that you didnt really tap on? Have you had questions like this before? 

I think in this phase, I am encountering these “About me” questions. Because, i thought my experiences were good and propably really rich. But everytime, i find my soul screaming for something else. Honestly, that is not an exaggeration. 

Good news is that i found out what is that. And that is something I have been avoiding for a very long time. Sprinting

Once it was a source of energy. Now its pain. Afraid to go back to it. Body, not up to standards anymore. Yes, fit. Nope, not satisfied. Maybe i should not settle? 

So here, I am going to record my fitness journey. Cliche it might be, but lets see what happens! Lets not talk about how awesome times were in the past when i was young. It wasnt healthy a journey anyway, because i took too many breaks, slacked alot and eat too much because of emotional issues, stress and anxiety. The battle is a little different. 

Now, fast forward to 2016 to 2017

  • Experimenting on food choices
  • Completely no nutella, Mcspicy, potatoe chips
  • No overeating, no matter how hungry i get
  • Went to the gym every single day. Yes i overexhausted myself sometimes. And i was underweight for a few months that i found myself eating to not be underweight. 
  • Engaged in so many activities, lost too much of weight. 

Now 2017: 

  • 4-6 months just eat, appropriately. Not overeating. Not undereating. Confusing my calories to maintain. 
  • Abs.. kinda disappearing because have not been excercising (final semester, and just emotionally drained because of stupid people) 
  • But hey, 18.8% from 20.2% body fat. So still good. 
  • I think my ass is gone. Seriously. That IS demoralising.

So mission 2017.. i am ready for it. I have an idea on how i am going to work things out. This is for my modelling, and as well for my fitness in general. This is my second year in this journey, and after all the experimenting, I am going to start this right.

Oh.. the other thing my soul is screaming for? Haha!! Travelling. Nothing can tame a oceanholic babyyyy!! 

Self-love beyond Self love

Stop looking outside of yourself for value

All i am saying here is a reminder for myself too. By telling you what it is, i remind myself what it is. So that, we can all learn together. 

Many of you would have been with a guy who seems alright and just nice for yourself. Yes, you may be really amazing as a person for him. You encourage all of his endeavours, all his dreams, goals and passion. He tells you that he needs you because you are supportive, and it is only wih your support, he can achieve more. Thats the kind of guy that many of us will wish for, so why not right. Give it a try. 

Yes you did. Even if he said you were not enough, you still stayed on. He went on finding other girls. He gave up on you. Then, he made you give up on everything. 

Suddenly, you would have felt crushed. He calls you selfish because you dont understand him, all his needs. He hurt you so badly, and it goes beyond the ordinary loving squabbles. It becomes so hard to save anything anymore. You feel you are the only one in this biased relationship. Whats for two, down to one. You are the only one left – yourself in love; self love. 

You feel like you want to stop. Stop what made you happy. Stop doing the gym stuff, the dancing, drawings, travelling. Everything. Because you feel like you cant make anyone happy at all. You feel worthless. I mean, you put in so much of effort to grow and be a strong girl to be useful to a man who wants to build his life no matter how he had been crashed before in his past. But he cant see that. And yu cannot make him see that. You know what you can provide for him. He cannot see that. 

You have so much of power. But you cant do anything with it at all. You drift away from him

But do you know? It is in points like this, that you are tested of your own inner strength? How strong are you? Did you build all that of yourself only to give up for someone else just like that? This is exactly the test for self-love. Self first. Then love. 

Someone once told me that self-love sound selfish. I replied: self-love can never be selfish. It is only because you love yourself, you can help another person grow and be successful. Can you imagine if your coach did not develop himself into a reliable and successful coach, will you be with him to achieve your own goals? 

Self-love saves you from hurt. Thats the only thing that you can hold on to

Some people come into your life to give you this test. So don’t be too disheartened. Soon, you will realise that fortunately you didnt fail in that test. He just didnt love himself enough. One day he will get there, when he learns to love himself. Everyone is on a life journey of self-love for sure.

Self-love beyond self love. Self-love to save yourself from a love that only you are fueling for (self love). So now, go on and continue with that squats. You’rw almost there đź’ś

There’s something in his eyes 

There were many times he looked into your eyes. He will stare back at you. His hand on your cheeks and he carrasses them ever so softly. He looks so deep into your eyes. He tells you how so special you are to him, and how great you are. 

He just wants to lift you up from your insecurities. He wants you to feel better about yourself. You have cried so many times to him, telling him how you think other girls are better than you. How you are not pretty like them, how they dress better than you and how they are so knowledgable in fashion and beauty. How they have a nice body- you have seen him admiring them oh so well. You want him to admire you the same way…

He looks into your eyes. He claims its so deep. He kisses your forehead and hugs you by your hips. He drags you closer to him and hold you, till you can hear his heartbeat. His warmth is so comfortable. 

Then one day, he says you are not his cup of tea. He says he is disgusted by you. He said he was genuine but he cannot be with you. He says he loves you, he didnt lie. He says you are horrible. 

And here you are standing, wondering how anything to be a lie. He said he looked deep into your eyes. You believed it even it wasnt sure. Every girl wants to be looked at like that. 

He used to support you in dance, for gym and all the grooming workshops you attended. He used to say he is proud of you. He said he loves you. 

And then you think to yourself why he tells you to stop everything. Why he tells you that you cannot be better than anyone, because there is always someone better than you. And why he didnt try to be anyone else to get you. But then, you see him liking other girls’ photos more consistently, no matter how much you tell him not to. It affects you. He doesnt bother. 

But do you know? You deserve to be looked at deeper? Did you know that your soul will know it. Did you ever know that you can be held tighter? Did you ever know you deserve to hear his heartbeat even more prominantly. Do you know, that he can pinch your cheeks and tell you how beautiful you are, without looking at anyone else. Did you know that you will feel like you are the only one, without him even having to say it? He dont even have to say it. 

And what kind of fellow is that, if he cant feel what you have sacrificed for him and blames you for everything. Even till the end, he called you back not to pull you back closer, but to push you away even more. He called you back to tell you how even more terrible you are and masks himself. He still wants to look good in front of you. Thats the point, he only wants to look good, not feel good or be good for you. Or for himself for that matter. He wants to be powerful. Let it be. You are weak? Let it be. The lion doesnt have to prove to the cat who is bigger.

So what did you think you lost? Hugs? Kisses? Warmth? I think by now you know you had had it all in you. Dont settle for less, you’ll thank me later. I love you. 

So there is something in his eyes, wasnt it? Nothing. That was what’s inside his eyes. 

Maybe he is hurt. Maybe he is using it as an excuse

Maybe we are all too harsh on him. We tell him that he has to be strong, emotionally stable, nice body. Maybe we also tell him that he must earn so much, have a car, afford a big comfortable house. Maybe we also push it into him that he should be a good man, a good father to our children. Maybe we tell him that he has to be that kind of a standard, because women are not supposed to accept less than what we are worth.
Maybe that is why he is putting his faith into dominance. Maybe because you wont listen to him. Maybe because he has a difficult past and he had just recently learned to manage himself. He believes that you will stay by him, till he stabilises himself. He loves you so much that he wants you to know that he is trying his best. But it is so hard for him, when you don’t understand his feelings and don’t listen to him, he feels pushed away.
Maybe his past was terrible. No one listened to him for once. No one was there to support his ego in the right nurturing way. He was shunned. Maybe that is why he tried so hard. His words maybe wrong, maybe he was just terrible for a while. That is not all him. He has a good side.
But ladies, remember. There is always a limit to everything. Manage your expectations. Love him to the fullest. Know that you have given your best in everything, understand him fully. You know you did your best? You know you understand him more than he understands you? Then, honey know your worth and move away. Not all guys who wants to stick by you will want to be responsible for everything they put you through. They may seem like they bring more to the table than you do, but honey you know you work more than what he claims.
Yes, he may be sensitive and he tries so hard to be your man. But what is the point when he is playing with your mind and your feelings at the same time? He says you are not worth it, but think again darling. You know you want to support him, you differentiated yourself from all the girls in his past. You tried to give him all that he has lost when he was young. Did he try to grow from there?
Yeah, he may be cool and all that. But if he still cannot have the awareness and build, then he is not worth it for you. Don’t believe what he says. He still wants to be pampered. He still wants to be taken care of. He still wants to be bolstered. He fails to see that he has to work on his own accord, using his own sense of maturity, decision and determination to grow and come out of what he had been through to make a better life for himself first. Yes darling, he might have done so many things for you. He can be there for you, he was the one who made you happy.
He only made you happy to make him happy. You must fake your happiness to make him happy. You cannot be happy. Because, he is not happy. How will you be happy with an unhappy person? He wont be happy even if you are happy. Because he is not responsible to make his life better in all ways honey.
A man only develops from what he chooses to do when he faces hurt. And use what you can offer to him, to build an comfortable environment for him and you, and for your future. Love that guy honey, and not the one who uses you. Because, he is still hurt and he cannot cope.